I'm Back Online

It's been way too long. My ability to access the Internet made it impossible for me to keep up to date with my blog. Plus, I could not really stay in touch with many areas of the Internet -- accessing my FB page was a challenge since I only had my phone to use. Looking at that tiny screen has done a number on my eyes.

However, on a positive note, it allowed me plenty of time to work on my book. At this point, "High Maintenance" is coming along very well. I am writing chapters in the present .. rather than just my past experiences. I have had time to edit and rework sections and chapters, thus I feel extremely confident that the book will soon be reaching the finish line. After I know the actual book copy is completed, I will start writing all the acknowledgments and thank you messages. When I am at that point, you can be assured that getting to the next level -- determining how I want to publish, will be much easier. Needless to say, I am excited. This has been quite a journey and I cannot wait to share with all of you.

I am most grateful for every one's support and encouragement. I am not high tech and not computer savvy. My new look -- the great new banner for my blog, was created by the talented artist/graphic designer - Edward Feldman. He was recently interviewed by Bill Shafer of Growing Bolder and the blog/video Bill taped recently is now online. Check it out! Edward's latest creative endeavors are beyond amazing and I am honored that he took the time to create a new look for Marilyn's Byline.

I am busy today prepping for another PET scan. That means a day of no exercise and a totally protein-only diet.  My glucose reading this morning was 86. While that is outstanding, I do not want to reach a point where I go into a real low. Thus, I need too remain relaxed. (Obviously, hanging out by my computer should keep me both occupied and out of trouble. I won't find myself wanting to dance around or feel like taking a walk. Although, I would love to be doing both.)

I am not sure if I will be adding more chapters from my book to the blog at this time. Since I am so close to completion, I may simply wait and allow you (my readers) to see the book once it is published. I hope this makes sense and I appreciate your understanding. I want to provide you with information as well as sharing my story. But, I want to reach a logical balance as well. "High Maintenance" has been the goal all along. Since completing my play "Chemonologues" in March 2010, I have wanted to get started on a manuscript for a book. When I began writing the "words" that would become my book, it was only because of the effort I put forth during my two year play writing journey that even made this all possible. The book would never have come into existence without the play and without all the energy I put into it. There was this chronological order that had to exist in my life -- all the parts had to come together. This has finally happened. I feel whole, again.

Join me at Relay for Life of Sanford

It’s that time of year. It’s the 6th annual Relay for Life of Sanford, set to begin at 6 p.m. on Friday, March 30 at the Central Florida Zoo in Sanford. While many communities worldwide hosts Relays, Sanford’s unique location makes it the perfect location to enjoy a fun-filled night.

Imagine being able to take a night-time tour of the zoo for only $5 per person. Since most of the zoo’s residents are nocturnal it is a great opportunity to see these animals up close and active. Many are being fed while others are busy roaming their areas. During my first nocturnal tour several years ago, I was able to see the kangaroos hopping about their area. It was a “first time experience for me,” that is, seeing these amazing animals jump from place to place so gracefully. 

For those who enjoy adventure with a more physical touch, the zip line is open in the early evening hours for a reduced price. Guests can climb around the zip line (an abbreviated course) and test various skills high above the crowds working their way through Relay. For many, this is a wonderful opportunity to try the zip line without paying the usual fees. 

Families can enjoy the train and the younger ones can have fun in the early evening hours at the park’s splash zone. There’s a DJ on hand plus there will be live musical performances throughout the night.

Starting at 9 p.m. the lights go down and the mood turns somber. It’s time for Luminaria. This is the only time when Relayers are quiet -- spending approximately 30 minutes remembering those who have lost their cancer battle and thinking of those who continue to fight or who have been cured. Soft music and a video will highlight this special ceremony. 

Afterwards, the bright lights return and the music is now blasting from the speakers -- it’s time to crown Ms. Relay! Yes, while some very dedicated Relayers (men dressed in drag) try to collect the most amount of money from the crowds, it is also a chance to laugh and see “the humorous side of cancer.” From here, there are plenty of fun activities to enjoy as a spectator or to participate in. From pie eating contests to crazy hat laps -- from trivia to a silly song fest. Anything can and does happen throughout the hours of the night. Although very few will get any sleep, some manage to climb into tents and get a couple of hours of rest. I usually stretch out onto a lounge chair, shut my eyes and listen to the music and sounds coming from all around me.  

By early morning, there is dew all around -- and the smell of fresh brewed coffee. The zoo team whips up a buffet breakfast for only $5 per person. Teams gather to refresh and regroup before preparing for the final hours and the official wrap up ceremony. 

Relay is special. But, the Sanford Relay and its “roots” at the zoo provide a special place where a good time can be enjoyed while also feeling at one with nature. It is certainly the perfect combo -- and one of the reasons I have chosen to make the Relay for Life of Sanford at the Central FL Zoo my place to Relay each year. 

This year my team, Circle of Hope, has done an extraordinary job by holding a number of fundraisers since early fall. At this time, we have raised nearly $2,500. (We expect to reach this amount the night of Relay and thus be honored as a Bronze team.) I would like to take this opportunity to acknowlege the amazing individuals who make up my team: Adrienne McIntosh, Blair Townley, Curtis Hoffman, Edward Feldman, Elaine Raymond, Gary Wattman, Glen Steinfeld, Michael Wattman and Terry Hoffman. My heartfelt thanks to all of them. I also want to thank the many locations that have allowed us to hold fundraisers this year. Sincere thanks to: Jersey Mike’s, Miller’s Ale House, Cork & Olive, Gator’s, Joe’s Crab Shack and Casey’s Grill. We have also held a Zumba for Relay at the Lake Mary YMCA and participated in two Relay wide events, a chili cook off and a yard sale. On the night of Relay, my team will be offering up homemade mac & cheese, a chance drawing Dine Around Package (with gift cards to various restaurants, a prize package worth $100s of dollars), hair extensions and basic cuts by Jackie Garcia & HCI Salon, chair massages, Bibbi’s Jewelry and accessories (jewelry, handbags, great gift ideas), Leo’s Italian Ice Factory (assorted flavors), Kathy Palva’s heartsongcookies.com and Joe’s Crab Shack. 

If you have not made your donation to the 2012 Relay for Life you can do so by visiting:

www.relayforlife.com/sanfordfl   Then, look for Team Circle of Hope or visit my site, Marilyn Wattman-Feldman. (Team Captain) 

I personally continue cancer treatments, something I must do until “the cure is found.” Let’s make this the year that your “dollar” makes the difference. From everyone who has ever heard the words “You have cancer” I say, “Thanks.” 

Me - Becoming a Playwright?

(This blog pertains to events that occurred in late 2007/early 2008.) 

In late 2007, my son Brian sat me down and had a short yet very important discussion with me. He told me, “Mom, you’re a writer. And writers, write.” That was something I had not done in years. During the deepest time within my years of depression, I stopped writing. While many professionals suggest journaling as great way to deal with stress and serious health issues, I could barely string two words together in a sentence. I kept a few journals but they were sporadic and quite limited in information. Plus, I rarely wrote in the books. When I did, my words made very little sense. Most of the words were just put down in some random order -- nothing logical and certainly nothing worthy of any mention. If I read what I had written, I barely understood what I had put down. There was no logic; my writings were those of a “mad woman” riddled with pain and living in a world of heavy drugs to ease that pain. 

Brian helped me apply for a literature grant with United Arts of Central Florida. That process was far from easy, however, so Brian assisted through every step. He explained how I would apply for the grant and told me I may not get it. But, he still wanted me to pursue it, and to do the project regardless of whether I received the grant or not. This was simply a vehicle to get me started. Filling out the application was difficult for me. Remember, my brain was still foggy. I could not fully comprehend every question asked on the forms, so Brian was there to explain. I wrote the entire application myself, but Brian was on hand to guide me -- to make sure I answered every question and to ensure I stated my reasons for wanting the grant, etc. in a logical manner. And, when it was time to state my case before the panel -- the adjudication process, I was absolutely terrified. 

I stood there before a panel of three professionals -- all highly respected members of the arts community in Orlando. One of the panelists was a theater professor at the community college where Brian and Adrienne had taken classes. I knew this individual; he was a well trained actor, director and playwright. How in the world did I expect to convince him that I, Marilyn Wattman-Feldman, could write a play? That’s right! I had decided to write a play, that was my grant request. I was asking for money to help me write a play and take that play to a pubic play-reading -- all within a 12 month period of time. 

Even a trained professional would have challenges with this project, let alone someone who had never written a play. Oh, I did a short script during a college creative writing class. That was the total sum of my play-writing experience. And, I was the mother of two talented thespians. Plus, I had actually judged play-writing at the local/district level of Thespian competitions during my daughter’s high school years and time with Lake Howell’s Theater company and membership in Thespian troupe 4937. As a writer, I had been asked (last minute) to help with judging one year and the second year, I had actually been asked back to judge again. Much to my surprise. But, to actually write a play myself. Who in the world did I think I was? 

As I stood there, before this trio of real pros, I realized I had no idea why they should award me this grant. Why should they give me the money to do this project? After all, I was really clueless. But, I had to convince them otherwise, or so I was told by Brian. Again, he was there to get me through this ordeal. And, he reminded me, it did not matter if I got it or not. At least, I tried. That, he told me, was a big step in the right direction. So, based on that, I stood before them and attempted to answer their questions.

The Rehab Experience Continues

(This blog entry pertains to events that happened in May/early June 2008. Please accept my apologies for the delay in getting this entry posted. I must admit that I thought about writing my column, but it seemed that "time" got away from me. I have been busy -- I guess I say this in my defense, with Relay for Life business. I have been doing lots of team fundraisers, arranging more events, and simply getting ready for our big RFL that is set for March 30, 2012 at the Central FL Zoo in Sanford. 

I survived my time in rehab, again. And, fortunately, my stay was much shorter than my experience in 2005 when I was in much worse shape physically and mentally. All that work between 2005 and early 2008 made a huge difference in my ability to recover faster and easier. Thank goodness, because I did not want to go back to the beginning all over again. I also made a couple of friends during this stay so at least, the time I spent in rehabilitation was not all that terrible. There were some good days.

One of my fondest memories were the visits from a local church group who brought along their “furry friends.” Having visits from dogs of all sizes became a treat I welcomed. I never realized how much it meant to have the “affection” of an animal during a rehab type experience. I had animal visits at my previous rehab center, so I knew what to expect. However, I relished the opportunity to “pet” and “play” with my new friends. If they arrived while we were in therapy, everything stopped. The dogs took center stage. I would wheel myself over to one of the new arrivals or, if unable to move quickly enough, a dog came to me. Big, medium or small .. dogs all of sizes and breeds came to visit. Just petting them was a comfort. Even the patients who had been complaining just a few moments before, began smiling when the dogs arrived. Not only were the visits appreciated by the patients, staff got into the moment as well. They too enjoyed the visits. 

Making the time move quickly in rehab was not easy. After wrapping up therapy and having lunch my afternoons were relatively quiet. Occasionally, I decided to join in a game of Bingo or would climb into my wheelchair and ride around the building with my “new buddies” well enough to also travel about in a chair. We would find something to do. Perhaps visit the nursing home side of the building. On that side of Tuskawilla Rehab, there was a large aquarium. Yes, I watched the fish swim back and forth. Seriously, it actually killed some time. We also took in a movie (there was a large screen TV in that section) or simply chatted with residents who lived there. (Many were also taking daily rehab, so I knew some of the men and women on the nursing home side of the building.) A group of us would also venture outside -- either to the courtyard garden where we could sit and talk for hours or the front entry, where we could see the “outside” world for a short time. 

When I had visitors, such as my brothers or my kids, I would take a “trip.” They would roll my wheelchair off the rehab property and I would enjoy a quick visit to the nearby Burger King or Firehouse Subs. That was a special treat, a chance to “escape” and be part of the “real world.” Sitting in one of those two locations, either munching a sub or finishing off a burger was a genuine treat after being “trapped” for weeks in rehab. Since I lived in the area, I knew what was beyond the building where I was staying. So, I wanted to still feel like a part of the neighborhood. Grabbing a bite with my daughter was fun, even if it meant a major ordeal of moving me in a wheelchair from place to place. 

Another Discovery About Me

Recently, I was clearing out a storage facility I had used for years. Inside, it was wall to wall and floor to ceiling -- boxes! Everywhere you looked, boxes were stacked upon boxes and in many cases, the cardboard boxes were “broken” from the heavy weight of another box upon them plus years of just sitting in one spot. Fortunately, my son Brian really helped clear things out and by the end of January, I was “shed” free.

While going through the “mess” inside the storage shed I was sorting a box of items when I came across a collection of cards. When I was hospitalized back in 2002 (during my lung surgery) I received cards from family, friends and coworkers. I had quite a collection and quite honestly, had forgotten that many of these cards ended up in a box. I had been storing these cards for years. 

When I began to realize what I had before me, I found myself looking closely at one of the cards. It was a lovely design -- mostly pastels with the words “The Oak Tree” as the title on the front of the card. This is what it said: 

“A mighty wind blew night and day,

It stole the oak tree’s leaves away,

Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark

Until the oak was tired and stark.

But still the oak tree held its ground

While other trees fell all around. 

The weary wind gave up and spoke,

“How can you still be standing, Oak?”

 The oak tree said, “I know that you

Can break each branch of mine in two,

Carry every leaf away,

Shake my limbs, and make me sway,

But I have roots stretched in the earth,

Growing stronger since my birth,

You’ll never touch them, for you see,

They are the deepest part of me.

Until today, I wasn't’ sure

Of just how much I could endure.

But now I’ve found, with thanks to you, 

I’m stronger than I ever knew.”

Then, following this beautiful verse, the card read:

I know you can get through this...

You’re good, and you’re strong,

and you have a lot of people

around you who care..

people like me.

As I felt tears welling up within my eyes, I read the name written below the verse. It was signed ... Your friend Harold

Wow! I have not spoken to Harold in years. There was a time when I saw him practically everyday. We were both cast members at the Disney Reservation Center and we worked together in Guest Services. Harold and I (along with the rest of the gang) shared many, many laughs. And, over the years we worked together, we also shared our sorrows, our tears and our fears. He had been dealing with an issue close to home at the time I was hospitalized. His Mom was fighting her own cancer battle. Knowing this, I was not at all upset that he had not come to visit me or contacted me sooner. When I received his card, I knew he was thinking of me. 

And, as I read the card twice over while standing inside the shed, I could feel some tears forming -- but I also knew I was smiling. I recalled a time when I had “good friends -- coworkers with whom I shared so much of my life” and now, many of them no longer really a part of my life and yet, I felt close to them. Harold’s words spoke to me: “Marilyn... your friends & family can help you, but you must continue to fight & believe you can beat cancer.” 

The card was signed.. “Take care & know I’m here & still care.” Harold ....   I took a deep breath. I closed my eyes and saw an image of my friend -- I saw a room full of colleagues I had not seen in years ... I felt a strength that came from within. That card brought back so many memories. The best memory of all -- knowing I had people out there who cared about me and that, the words they shared with me many years ago, still continued to be heard and understood. It was “me” who needed to keep fighting. Harold was right -- I had to be the one to “beat” cancer. I was the one who needed to be strong. 

It was a true “Hallmark” moment. 

Getting in Touch With the Inner Me

While thinking about this particular entry, I decided to go in a totally different direction. Rather than continue my actual story, I wanted to take stock of where I’m at right now. Call it an opportunity to get in touch with me. 

I found myself reading the recent edition of the Temple Review.  http://www.temple.edu/temple_review/    I graduated from Temple University in 1977 and as such, I am entitled to copies of the alumni publication. Over the years the magazine has changed. Let’s face it, every aspect of the publishing world has changed as computers and technology further evolve. When I was in the profession, computers were just making an entrance. I never learned how to edit on a computer since even my instructors and professors at the time did not know how to use the equipment themselves. Many were working for the now defunct Philadelphia Bulletin -- and since they were “trying to learn” the systems at work, it was impossible for them to teach us. Thus, all the computers in the classroom were untouched that semester. Obviously, I eventually learned how to use a computer. (Edward is a devoted Apple computer user.) I’m not computer savvy but I’ve learned to use areas I consider essential -- word processing and email. 

As I read through this latest edition, I realized I was actually “reading” many of the stories. (I admit that I usually glance through the magazine.) Now that I’m back to writing on a regular basis, I am also doing something else as well. That is, I’m also reading other writer’s articles -- a practice I had long ago done “religiously.” One of my mentors taught me that it was important to read other writer’s articles; she said it would ultimately help me become a better writer and editor. She was right. Reading the works of other talented writers did help me become a better writer. Back when I was working a non-profit in Philadelphia, countless hours were spent reading the stories in local papers written by my colleagues. Now, decades later, I found myself reading the Temple Review and several major features. 

One story especially caught my interest. A student at Temple’s School of Podiatric Medicine   http://podiatry.temple.edu/ started the nation’s first forensic podiatry club in the fall of 2010. I had to read this article. I’m a huge fan of the TV show -- Bones. The article was well written. I wanted to read each and every paragraph, not wanting to miss any aspect of the feature. The author’s bio noted that she is a writer/editor based in PA and has had articles in numerous publications. (Gee, I remember those days. I used to do lots of freelance writing and my bio would list a similar entry.) 

Why am I writing about this? Well, considering that I only began to “write” again in 2008 -- after years of being too depressed to even think about writing -- I am now realizing that I also need to read the works of others. I may be a much more experienced writer now, but I can still learn. And, I guess that’s what I’m now beginning to understand. As my mind clears away all the clutter within and I can see a bigger, brighter picture of the world around me, I am more aware of me. I have begun to see “me” in a different way. At different times throughout our lives, we take stock of ourselves. It may be a new year, where we sit down and write out a resolution. There may be a life changing situation that forces us to look at our lives and where we are going. It can be the diagnosis of a disease that can affect our lives and those we love. Getting in touch with our inner self, now that’s a journey! For me, it’s a necessity I cannot afford to ignore. 

I’m really happy that I decided to read the Temple Review this morning while finishing up breakfast and downing my second cup of coffee. It wasn’t so much that I was reading my alumni publication. It was the realization that this small moment in my day was actually a huge step within my life. I was beginning to “write” a new chapter -- more like opening up a book that I read years ago but put away on the shelf and was now rereading. The characters were now more vivid; the plot vastly different than I recall. 

The book of me -- a major work in progress. 

Children with Cancer -- Searching for Support

As an adult cancer survivor I'm often asked how organizations such as the American Cancer Society and other major organizations help children with cancer. It's a question using posed by the parent or someone close to a child who has had cancer or is dealing with a cancer diagnosis. When this happens, my heart immediately skips a beat.

Children should never have to deal with a terminal disease and yet, as we all know, life often hands out a diagnosis of cancer, sickle cell disease, hemophilia or other rare childhood disease. To simply say "it's not fair" is an understatement. I lost a five-year-old cousin to brain cancer. I've never forgotten because my daughter (and a cousin she never met) were the same age. No parent should ever have to hear the words, "Your child has cancer." Those words are devastating -- horrible -- beyond comprehension. Unfortunately, children with cancer exist. And, what is being done to help these youngsters and their families?

I know that the ACS (either directly or via grants) does research on all types of cancer. I also know they have a variety of patient programs including ROCK Camp. http://www.cancer.org/Cancer/news/r-o-c-k-camp  (Reaching Out to Cancer Kids) If you visit the ACS site, you can also access other information pertaining to services available as well as research underway. I'm including several listed on the ACS site:
http://www.cancer.org/Cancer/LeukemiainChildren/OverviewGuide/childhood-leukemia-overview-new-research
http://www.cancer.org/Cancer/Non-HodgkinLymphomainChildren/OverviewGuide/non-hodgkin-lymphoma-in-children-overview-new-research
http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/FindingandPayingforTreatment/FindingTreatmentCenters/pediatric-cancer-centers

Locally (in the Orlando, FL area) there is B.A.S.E. Camp. The acronym stands for Believe, Achieve, Support and Educate. Per the brochure I recently picked up during an area event, the term base is a mountaineering term "for the shelter at which to stop and rest before striking out to scale another cliff." The organization feels that children and their families with these various diseases are dealing with "mountains" within their lives.  The local group, which is affiliated with the national Candlelighters Childhood Cancer Foundation, offers a variety of programs including:

*Jr. B.A.S.E. Camp Kids - a monthly day outing for youngsters six and younger
*The Attraction Ticket Program - providing free days at area attractions for kids undergoing chemotherapy and other treatments
*Fishing for Kids with Cancer - A chance for children to experience a day fishing with their parents

Monthly and yearly programs are offered. To learn more about this organization and how you can either help or receive help -- call 407-673-5060 or go to: www.basecamp.org   The Program Director is Terri Jones-Robbins and I'm certain she will be happy to hear if you can offer assistance or wish to donate .. and if you have a child with cancer, please call and see how B.A.S.E. Camp can help your child or teen.